Bad Habits to Feel Good?

I'm not going to make you all reveal your personal secrets here but what helps you get through the day?
Most of us have a mixture of healthy and not so healthy habits in our lives.
What you do when you are stressed, lonely, bored or frustrated? Maybe you ring a friend, or go for a walk, or watch a movie - no problems there -but what if your friend is not home, or it's raining, or maybe there aren't any good movies on.
When there isn't another adult around for company (which is often the case as a single parent) we often fill our lives with other things.

Some examples of less-than healthy ways people fill the gaps in their lives:
Overeating (or comfort eating)
Drinking/drugs
Shopping
Sleeping with random people
Dieting
Over-working
Obsessive cleaning
etc.

None of us are perfect that's for sure, we can probably all think of someone who has problem with each of these issues (if not ourselves). But I am not here to judge. I am just trying to make you think about your life and what is affecting you.
If you need help with any of these issues make sure you find it, it can be as simple as joining an anonymous forum online. Acknowledging the problem is a good start though.
Have a great week everyone xx

Dealing with Serious Conflict

I decided to separate this from low level conflict as a serious conflict often needs attending to differently.

If your conflicts are getting out of hand, if there is physical fighting, verbal abuse or even a lot of yelling then you need to do something about it. Sometimes conflict can also be discreet and quiet, but nasty, so be honest with yourself about your situation and if things are really ok.

If your (or any other) children are witnessing any serious conflict then your first priority needs to be getting them away from it, because kids need a stable home and life. Simple as that. This does not necessarily mean they can't see any of the people involved but they need to be away from the unhealthy situation.

There is no way that you are not being affected as well in this circumstance. Your stress levels will be high and your ability to think clearly becomes affected, which then affects everything else in your life. If you cannot find a way to resolve a conflict then you need to get away from it. Having time away from the other person can help you (and them) to have a clearer look at the situation and make better decisions. Get yourself some counselling if possible. In some cases you may need a go-between person to help you sort out practical issues (esp. with ex-partners etc.).

If you need help to get out please find the help, put aside any embarrassment or shame (you can deal with those feelings later). Call the police if you have to. A little bit of conflict is normal,  high levels are not healthy. So keep yourself and your children safe :)

I would love your comments on this issue, if you think I have missed anything let me know. It is so important.

Time alone

My kids have been away since yesterday and I am enjoying some time alone - it doesn't happen often! I'm not going to lie, the house is wonderfully quiet. To be honest I am not rushing to get extra housework done, I'm not filling my time with as many social situations as I can but instead I am just being lazy. I know that my patience has been thin with my kids over the last couple of weeks and that I just need a break.

I regard days like this as reset days. I do what ever I want, watch TV, eat at odd times, stay up late (or sleep in late!), and spend as much time on the computer as I want haha. So by the time my kids come back I am a little more satisfied, and chilled out, because I have been able to do what I want to do for a while.

I guess my point is that your free time is precious. You may only get an hour or two here and there or maybe you have a couple of days. Make sure you spend some of that time just relaxing, you have my permission not to feel guilty about it! and it is good for your kids too. If you are happy, they are happy. I know from my experience that if I have had break from obligation for a little bit then I feel more energised to take my kids out, or spend more quality time with them when I see them again.

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Who do you talk to?

Do you have people in your life that you can confide in, discuss things with or even to check in with at the end of your day?
As a counsellor I have the privilege of hearing things from my clients that they are unable to share with anyone else, but it is not always deep emotional stuff. Sometimes people are just stuck with an issue that they cannot see a solution to. It might be deciding what job to takes to or how to handle an ex-partner.
When you are a single parent especially you do not always have another stable adult who is close enough to your situation to help you with decisions in your life.
It is so important to talk though.
When we verbalise our problems to someone else two things happen:

1) As we hear ourselves tell the story of our problem it can sometimes sound different to what it seemed to be in our head. A solution may suddenly seem obvious, or something we were worried about may seem a little less awful.

2) We have an audience! It is so helpful to bounce ideas off other people. They can often have different ideas that we may not have ever thought of, point out issues that we had not been aware of, or even give us a wake up call if we are on the wrong track.

So I would encourage all of you to find a way to share your thoughts with someone, maybe a friend, a certain family member, a safe online forum or an affordable counsellor. I have been a client myself and know first hand the benefit of talking through your stuff. If you have no-one else then leave me a message here :)