Trusting other people with your children

It can be hard to let go of our children, particularly if we have come out of abusive or difficult relationships ourselves. Single parents can sometimes feel like no-one else can really be trusted with their children but most of the time there will be no problem. I am not saying that you do not have to be careful about who looks after your kids but I would encourage you to let other people get involved if possible.

1. Your kids get the benefit of a variety of good adult role-models, male and female. That old saying 'it takes a community to raise a child' is so true. The more positive people in your child's life the better!
2. They get to experience new environments and people, enabling them to think widely and be better prepared for independent life as they grow older.
3. They may learn new skills, new hobbies that you are unable to provide them access to logistically (let's face it, we cannot teach our kids everything on our own)
4. Children learn how to make healthy friendships and relationships by learning social skills in a variety of contexts
5. Allowing your children to develop relationships with other adults widens their group of 'safe' people whom they can confide in if they have a problem, if your kids are too shy or scared to talk to a parent they need other options!
6. You and your kids get breaks from one another - a good chance to reset and reconsider any parenting issues.

I encourage you to take these opportunities for your children when they come up :)

Dealing with Serious Conflict

I decided to separate this from low level conflict as a serious conflict often needs attending to differently.

If your conflicts are getting out of hand, if there is physical fighting, verbal abuse or even a lot of yelling then you need to do something about it. Sometimes conflict can also be discreet and quiet, but nasty, so be honest with yourself about your situation and if things are really ok.

If your (or any other) children are witnessing any serious conflict then your first priority needs to be getting them away from it, because kids need a stable home and life. Simple as that. This does not necessarily mean they can't see any of the people involved but they need to be away from the unhealthy situation.

There is no way that you are not being affected as well in this circumstance. Your stress levels will be high and your ability to think clearly becomes affected, which then affects everything else in your life. If you cannot find a way to resolve a conflict then you need to get away from it. Having time away from the other person can help you (and them) to have a clearer look at the situation and make better decisions. Get yourself some counselling if possible. In some cases you may need a go-between person to help you sort out practical issues (esp. with ex-partners etc.).

If you need help to get out please find the help, put aside any embarrassment or shame (you can deal with those feelings later). Call the police if you have to. A little bit of conflict is normal,  high levels are not healthy. So keep yourself and your children safe :)

I would love your comments on this issue, if you think I have missed anything let me know. It is so important.

Dealing with Low Level Conflict

This is a biggie. Conflict is something we all have to deal with at some point, and it sucks. Most of us have certain people in our life that we rub up against, it could be a friend, family member, partner (or ex-partner) or even your child.

What is important first of all is determining what level of conflict you are dealing with. Low level disagreements can be very frustrating but a little conflict is normal. If you have on-going problems with someone that are causing you stress then you need to find a solution.

Do you need to have a sit down with the other person and have a serious conversation, maybe with someone else present as well? Sometimes just verbalising your frustration can help both of you to find a solution. Try and be patient, fair and reasonable and the other person might respond the same way. Communication is so important. So many conflicts are the result of misunderstandings or unresolved feelings.

You could discuss the situation with someone who is not too close to the conflict. They may have new ideas that you might not have thought of. Sometimes time away and space is necessary too. I know its a well used line but you can only control yourself. If you are getting angry a lot or knowingly starting arguments you need to address this, or if you are the type who just gets upset or is unable to express what you are really feeling then have a think about that.

If the other person is not interested in seriously improving the situation then you may need to keep some distance between you long term.

Look after yourselves guys :)